First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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