you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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