I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
