I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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