gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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