is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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