you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
