im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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