I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
