Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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