$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
