planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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