god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize