I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
