I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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