i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
