so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
