Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
