While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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