We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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