If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
