if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
