I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
