my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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