Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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