My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Acid is not a monday night drug
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
