His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
