we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
