i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
