I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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