dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
