shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
