I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
