Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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