I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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