just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
