I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
