There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
