If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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