haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
