He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
