I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
