Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
