I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
