Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize