fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
