i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
