He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize