she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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