I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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