Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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