the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
