Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
