Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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