I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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